Betrayal Trauma - A Map Through Infidelity When Forgiveness Feels Impossible
- Brian Tohana
- Dec 27, 2025
- 16 min read
Updated: Jan 4
This article is for a person who was betrayed. I also wrote another article for the person who betrayed their partner: Healing After Infidelity: A Guide for the Partner Who Broke Trust
Introduction
How could you do this to me?"
Am I crazy for even trying to work through this with you?
You're not crazy. You're traumatized.
The rage flooding your body at random moments throughout the day, the hypervigilance scanning for lies, the inability to "just get over it", this is your nervous system doing exactly what it's designed to do when someone you trusted has proven dangerous. This is the mind-blowing depth of pain that comes when you are betrayed and your entire reality shatters. It's not just about healing pain, but reconstructing your reality, who you are, and learning to trust yourself and your partner again.
Should you stay and try and work it through?
There is no right or wrong answer, only what is true for you. When infidelity throws everything into question, it’s important both partners re-evaluate, “Why stay? Why go?”
Take your time to go inward and discover your clarity. You don’t have to know right now.
It’s in crisis when human beings tend to change most. You can both use this as an opportunity to look at what was not working and build an entirely new dynamic and relationship. Leaving is hard. Staying is hard. There are no “right” answers, that’s what makes this confusing.
I hope this article supports you to connect with yourself first. May it be an anchor for you when you get swept out to sea. Take your time to read it several times, as it’s a lot to take in all at once. Find the words that resonate most with you in this moment, slow down, breathe, reflect. Sit with them.
Understanding Anger, Rage & Grief
Anger Is Self-Protection
Right now, your anger is likely working overtime trying to accomplish two essential things: restore your safety and restore your dignity. It's your psyche's way of saying "Never again will I be this vulnerable to this much pain. Do you understand how much you hurt me?"
It's important to know: Anger is a secondary emotion, protective armor around something far more vulnerable. Anger is the guardian of your grief and pain.
Picture a volcano. Anger is the violent eruption at the top. But deep down in the gooey molten core underneath the earth’s crust are the primary emotions that anger actually extends out of.
Anger gives us power and control when we feel powerless and out of control. Anger is always pointing to softer vulnerable emotions:
Hurt
Powerlessness
helplessness
Fear
Humiliation
Shame
Grief (The death of who you thought you were and what you thought you had; the death of what you called "reality")
The War Inside You: Why You Feel So Unstable
Right now you're likely oscillating wildly between two different parts of you:
Wise Adult Self (the part that can think rationally and logically)
Hurt/Protector Parts (the parts screaming that you're in danger!)
This is your nervous system trying to answer one essential question: Is this person safe? Can I trust them?
The answer, understandably, keeps changing. That's why betrayal trauma is so incredibly confusing. It's the oscillation between your Wise Adult Parts and Hurt/Protector Parts. One moment you're fine, the next moment, you're swept out to sea in the chaotic waves of pure emotionality looking for a grounding force, a life raft to reel you back into reality. But the very person you need to help save you is the very person who hurt you in the first place.
So you're split in two: there are the parts of you that long to connect, to be close, to be soothed and held by your partner, for them to make it all better… and the parts of you that want to push them away, punish them, and run.
Why Your Anger Won't Go Away (And What It's Really Asking For)
You want safety. You want to trust again. But how can you? How can you ever trust a word that comes out of their mouth again?
Anger is a form of protest that comes from our attachment system. Anger's function is reaching for attachment - connection, stability, engagement, an attuned response - and to assert boundaries. Watch The Still Face Baby Experiment to understand more about protest (rage and anger) as an attempt to re-engage an attachment figure.
After infidelity, the betrayed partner is trying to resolve an impossible contradiction: are you safe or not safe? Unfortunately relationships are not simply black-or-white, they're nuanced and complex. The answer to the question, "are you safe or not safe?" was, and is always: both.
The betraying partner must become predictably responsive, not "done talking about it." Consistent emotional responsivity is the integrity that's needed to begin generating new compounding reference experiences of safety that can reprogram the nervous system for safety and healing as you rebuild trust.
Healing Infidelity is Not Linear, but 5 Co-Occurring Processes
Healing isn't a linear path. If healing and transformation were black-and-white and linear, everyone would just follow "the steps" and be "successful."
Here are five interwoven processes that often happen simultaneously, as part of healing infidelity and betrayal trauma. You'll move through all of them, sometimes multiple times a day. That's not regression; that's how healing actually works.
Choose Your North Star
You need a North Star. A reason to do this seemingly "impossible" work. Your North Star acts as an anchor for you to return to when another wave comes that makes you want to give up or throw it all away. Without a North Star to guide you, you don’t have a personal anchoring guide. The North Stay must be defined by each of you separately. It must come from within, not rooted in “I should” or “They should” or any form of guilt or shame.
The purpose I recommend for all couples, infidelity or not, is transformation. The most useful sustainable reason to be in a long-term intimate partnership is to become a better human being. More whole, more integrated, more alive… whatever adjectives resonate with you.
Love, shared interests and attraction are not enough to sustain any long-term intimate partnership. You need purpose and a shared vision.
Your purpose is not to restore what was. But to use this devastation as an opportunity for growth, to become better human beings and, if you stay together, to build something more real than what you had before.
Post Traumatic Growth is how you alchemize challenging experiences and allow them to mold your character. As you engage in your unique personal healing and growth process - turning blame into responsibility, confusion into clarity, limitations into new possibilities, resentment and fear into vulnerability and connection - eventually, you'll find gratitude for what happened on the other side.
1. Stabilization
The question: "Am I crazy to even try healing this with my partner?"
The fantasy of safety has shattered. The life you were living has collapsed. Your entire sense of "what was real" is destroyed and you don't know how to trust yourself, let alone the other person.
So there's pain and grief and anger from the betrayal, but there's also existential disorientation, your reality was shattered.
Landing in Your Body Again
First, the work of stabilization is helping you land in your body again. When we get hurt and the pain is astronomically overwhelming, human beings tend to project their pain onto others, numb through addictions, or leave their body altogether. When your nervous system is drowning, you must find practices to keep you from going under so that you feel sane.
Here are a few ways to stabilize yourself:
Structure, predictability, schedules, routine
Movement/exercise to move energy (ecstatic dance, 5 rhythms, lifting weights, running, etc.)
Breathwork
Individual coaching/counseling/therapy (somatic experiencing, EMDR, core energetics, emotional freedom technique, etc.)
Transparency offered freely by the betrayer, not demanded (potentially access to phones, schedules, whereabouts - not forever, but for now)
Support outside the relationship (friends you can trust to hold this process sacred and open up to)
Journaling externalizes the chaos that's going on inside
Boundaried containers for emotional processing (beginning and endings to conscious expression of pain and anger that create safety for both partners - including physical non-verbal support)
The Commitment That Makes Everything Else Possible
Both partners must eventually commit energetically to the process, not just saying words, but showing up for the work. Stabilization is a function of both partners grappling with the question, "Do I actually even want to do this work? Is it worth it?" Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes the answer is no. But energetically, you must eventually decide to be all-in for the whole roller coaster ride. That creates enough security - a foundation to stand on - so that you can truly begin the real work.
We all want guarantees but there aren't any. Each partner must find their own clarity: "Am I going to try and work through this and heal this with my partner or not?" One foot in, one foot out doesn't work.
Confusion is massive here. Disillusionment too. You both have legitimate reasons to leave and run. When things get hard we all fantasize that leaving is easier. Stability begins with your own inner-clarity: "I'm in. I want to do this. Even when I waver, I'll remind myself of why (the purpose I define for myself) I'm doing this."
However it’s important to remember, I’m not an advocate for leaving or staying. That’s a personal decision that must be made by both of you. I respect whatever you choose. It’s important you find personal peace and make a conscious decisions without guilt, shame, or pain flavouring your choice.
2. Atonement & Emotional Processing
The incessant questioning: "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? How could this have happened? How could you do this to me?"
Why Knowing "Everything" Won't Fix This
The endless "why" is actually self-protective. It keeps you in your mind and out of the pain and grief that live in your body. This is the center of gravity of the entire healing process.
Unfortunately seeking more information does not resolve trauma. If you could know all the facts, understand the timelines, maybe you could have prevented it or find some way to trust them again. Asking why a thousand times is your mind trying to grab onto control, power and clarity when you're feeling powerless and helpless and scared.
Even under normal circumstances, most human beings have a hard time dealing with uncertainty, let alone when you’ve had your life, relationship and identity destroyed. So it’s natural to try and attempt to piece everything together as a way of finding some semblance of reality to stand on.
It's understandable why you would want to know everything. It's just important to know that "knowing everything" will not provide the resolution you're looking for. Healing is an emotional process, not a cognitive process.
What Actually Heals the Pain?
Feeling the pain in your body and letting yourself grieve. You need to move from spinning in your mind to grieving in your body.
Remember: Anger is a secondary emotion, a protector, your attachment system reaching for connection, a restorer of dignity, a guardian of grief and pain.
The invitation here is to drop beneath the anger into the softer primary emotions underneath:
Hurt/Pain
Fear
Helplessness
Humiliation
Loss
Devastation
Shame
Disappointment
Sadness
Without grief, anger has nowhere to go.
The waves of grief are the moments when the pain and devastation actually land. It's the letting go of the life you thought you were living. Grief is letting yourself feel that who you thought this person was, who you thought you were, and the relationship you thought you had are gone.
Grief is letting what once was matter. Grief is the ending you must face in order to birth a new beginning. The new beginning is never guaranteed. You have to completely enter the darkness of dissolution before a new beginning, the light, is made visible.
The Asymmetry of Atonement
The atonement part of the process is inherently asymmetrical. One person did the harming; one person was harmed. The person who did the betrayal, their job is to take 100% responsibility and provide repeated validation empathy. But sometimes even more important than validation and empathy is presence. The art of holding intentional space for the pain to be exorcised, for it to all come out, for the toxic resentment and rage to be alchemized into grief and let go of.
Empathy can only be offered in a healing way after curiosity. Curiosity into, "Tell me what this is like for you" instead of assuming you know. Curiosity allows for microscopic detail vs global validation that doesn't really land.
Every time your pain is received without defensiveness, your nervous system updates its threat calculation.
The Hard Truth: No One Person Can Hold All of This
It's important to remember: No one person can hold all of this pain.
Even though you might desperately want your partner to see, hear, and feel everything, you must grapple with the fact that they might never truly understand the depths of how they hurt you. But you can. They can come close, and they should put effort and curiosity into understanding what it's like to be you from the inside out, absolutely.
At the same time, it's important that you respect your partner's boundaries. This is a delicate dance because, "Shouldn’t the one who caused the harm be infinitely available to help me heal?" That would be nice, but it's not realistic. All human beings have limits. When we move beyond our limits consistently, human beings get resentful and reactive. So it’s actually in your best interest that your partner stay within their limits as regulated. Only when they are within their limits and regulated can they truly be the anchor you need to process your pain.
The aim in any healthy relationship is to engage with each other within our boundaries. Boundaries are how we take care of ourselves, and we always want our partner to take care of themselves. So it's a challenging balance when you've been hurt so deeply. How much can and should your partner be there for you? It’s not black-and-white, and it changes everyday. Even when your partner becomes a master space holder, it's unrealistic to expect they'll be able to hold all of your pain perfectly without dropping you. So it's important to seek additional support for both of you to process the energetic charge and emotions that arise in these circumstances.
How to Actually Metabolize the Pain
The work is to alchemize and metabolize the pain through:
Creative self-expression (art, music, singing, journaling, dance, etc.)
Movement / exercise (ecstatic dance, 5 rhythms, running, boxing, lifting weights, swimming, etc.)
Somatic practices (somatic experiencing, breathwork, dance, core energetics, etc.)
Partnered practices where your partner witnesses, holds space, engages and dances with your pain
Getting out of your head/stories and connecting with the felt sense in your body so you can grieve
Welcoming all parts (the part that wants to punish your partner or get them back, the part that wants to run, the part that hates them and hates yourself for ever trusting them, the part that's terrified you're making the wrong decision. There are an infinite number of parts that need attention and space to express themselves, not just for your partner to see and hear, but for you to embrace intrapsychicly, within your own mindbody system).
This isn't an intellectual process. It's energetic. Healing happens in your mind and in your body. But your mind will continue to want to know, “Why, why why, why why?”. Remember, the pain can only be metabolized through expression of primary emotions underneath the anger and rage.
The atonement part of the process is about dissolving and releasing the emotional charge - it's all about bodily sensations more than stories. Stories and information are only valuable if they are leveraged to move you into feeling the pain and grief which is your body, metabolizing the energetic charge so you no longer carry it.
When you dissolve the charge (the ammunition that’s in your body), there’s nothing left to trigger. That’s how you liberate yourself.
3. Trust-Building
The question: "Can I ever trust you again?"
How Trust Actually Rebuilds
Whether you’ve experienced infidelity or not, trust isn't built through grand gestures or one big moment. It's built through thousands of micro-moments where your partner shows up consistently (moving towards vs away). Trust is rebuilt through integrity and emotional responsivity, where actions match words. The same goes for betrayal trauma. You must experience thousands of micro moments of safety, over and over again until your nervous system re-patterns safety.
We don't trust words, we trust actions. Actions back up what we say. Talk is cheap. Anyone can talk a big talk, but actions are the real deal, they demonstrate commitment as we live our values moment by moment. Words don't build trust, actions do. Showing up for each other with presence and compassion in both directions is essential in any long-term healthy relationship.
Safety Must Flow Both Ways
Remember, the person who did the betraying not only needs to demonstrate consistency to rebuild trust, the person who was betrayed also needs to become a safe space for their partner to feel safe enough to not lie. In other words, when we react to truths we don't like, or aren't ready for, we teach people, "It's not safe to open up." So if you want your partner to open up, you must work to become a safe space for them to do so.
Of course, the responsibility is not solely on one person to "make it safe enough" to open up, each partner must practice transparency and being forthcoming. But it's important to remember safety must be established in both directions.
Safety is a function of our ability to regulate ourselves. We must be able to contain our reactivity without blaming the other person. It’s natural to get upset, but when we allow that upset to spill over, when we project our pain onto the other person, we disincentivize them to open up further.
Pillars of Rebuilding Trust
Trust rebuilds when:
Accountability(without shame or blame) for impact is consistent
Curiosity replaces defensiveness
We turn towards each other's pain instead of away
We learn how to be boundaried, engaging without over-extending or losing self-connection
We stand up to each other in loving power instead of force, demands or withdrawal
Repair happens after every rupture (because mini-ruptures will continue to happen in everyday life)
Actions match words (integrity)
Embrace our imperfection as human animals and practice assuming the best
Appreciation is present alongside pain
Appreciation Builds Relational Resilience
Appreciation is the most underrated tool for building a long-lasting, fulfilling intimate partnership. Research by Dr. John Gottman (the guy who can predict divorce by listening to a couple for 3 mins) shows relationships need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions to survive.
Appreciation reminds your nervous system that pain and challenge are not the only things happening. In betrayal recovery, this isn't about sweeping challenges under the rug, it's about not letting the betrayal become the only story.
Infidelity or not, encouragement, appreciation and building each other up are essential habits for healthy relationships. Point out what each other is doing well. Point out what helps you feel supported or do the supporting. Most partners are starved for recognition and appreciation, not just for what they do and give, but for their effort.
So, even if it's the bare minimum of what's "expected," appreciate it. People naturally want to do more of what's recognized. Appreciation is an essential habit to build that will soothe you amidst this process and serve you long after you've walked through this together.
4. Forgiveness
"If I forgive them, am I condoning bad behaviour?" "If I just 'let you get away with it' how will you learn your lesson?"
What Forgiveness Actually Is
What is forgiveness really? I learned what forgiveness was when my partner cheated on me. Forgiveness isn't just something you do, it's something you realize.
That means forgiveness is an insight. In order to have that insight, you must explore forgiveness for yourself, deeply. For me, I had to process my rage and anger first. I had to get it all out. I alchemized my anger by talking with friends, writing music on my guitar and journaling incessantly (all with the intention of getting it out).
After I walked through most of the pain, I researched what forgiveness was to gain more insight. I grappled with it out loud in my journal. I wrote and I wrote until I literally birthed a realization where it made no sense for me to "hold this against you." The realization dissolved my anger completely.
I don't want to tell you much more about my process because I want you to explore and discover for yourself. All I can say is, if you really want to learn what forgiveness is, you can. It's a radical act. It's a spiritual act. It's a rational act - a hyper-conscious choice to end suffering within yourself. Your partner doesn't have to earn or do anything. Your liberation from your suffering is completely in your hands.
What forgiveness is NOT:
Condoning or enabling bad behaviour
Forgetting what happened
A gift you owe anyone
What forgiveness CAN BE:
The opposite of punishment
Letting go of holding something against someone
Choosing to end your suffering
Forgiveness Without Boundaries Makes You a Doormat
Here's the crucial distinction: Forgiveness without boundaries makes you a doormat. You can forgive someone and still require they do the work to earn trust back. You can forgive someone and still choose to leave.
Forgiveness has to happen inwardly for both partners:
The person who did the betraying needs to forgive themselves (without bypassing accountability)
The person who was betrayed needs to release the grip of rage and resentment (without bypassing their pain)
Some people forgive and stay.Some forgive and leave.
There's no right or wrong, only your path. But forgiveness does need to be realized by both people. You can't spend the rest of your life repenting your sins (hanging your head in shame), withholding love from yourself or your partner, or punishing your partner for their mistakes.
What would it take to forgive yourself? What would it take to forgive your partner? Go deep into discovering what forgiveness really means. Grapple with it and discover where you’re stuck, why you won’t and what will move the need for you. You can only create a new relationship when you’ve completely forgivens yoruself and your partner.
5. Transformation
The Old Relationship Is Dead
The question: "Can we ever get back to how things were?"
The old relationship is gone. You cannot carry forward the old identities or behaviours that created the conditions for betrayal.
If you stay together, you're not restoring the old relationship, you're building something entirely new from the ground up. Leaving is just as hard in different ways. Eventually the question shifts from "How do we survive this?" to "Who are we becoming through this?"
Both of you must:
Think differently
Act differently
Show up as more honest, vulnerable, integrated versions of yourselves
Healing requires identity transformation.
The questions you're both answering now are:
Who must I become to create a relationship that's deeply satisfying for both of us?
What are my developmental growth edges?
If we choose to create a new relationship, what does it look like? What are the new standards and agreements we will live by?
What wasn't working before for both of us? What MUST change?
How can I cultivate compassion for myself and my partner in this process of transformation?
Betrayal can destroy a relationship, or it can crack it open into something more real and more human rooted in reality.
Loving someone always includes the risk of being hurt. The work now is not preventing pain forever, but deciding what kind of pain you're willing to live with and mastering the art of repair. You must be able to cycle through the Rupture-Repair Cycle - move from harmony, to disharmony back to harmony again with the skillset of repair.
As you build a new partnership, you're opening yourself to definitely being hurt again, not through betrayal, but because no one is perfect. Pain is inevitable in love.
A real relationship is not one where no one ever hurts you. It's one where pain, upset and concerns are met with curiosity, accountability (without blame), repair (mutual empathy).
If this resonates, watch my free 12-minute video on my approach.
