The Reckoning: Should I Stay or Should I Go? Is it Supposed to Be This Hard?

Is it normal to question my relationship when things get hard?

Yes. Absolutely yes.

If you're reading this, you're likely in a confusing and painful place. You're exhausted. You're wondering, "Is it supposed to be this hard? Should I stay or should I go?" Sometimes you're so hurt, you're losing hope, and the reasons to leave seem to outnumber the reasons to stay.

You might be thinking: "If this was right, if they really loved me, it wouldn't be this hard."

But this moment of questioning isn't a sign that something's wrong. It's actually very healthy.

This is what I call THE RECKONING.

THE RECKONING is a period of time when things are not going well. When things seem impossible. Each of you is behaving in ways that make it impossible for the other person to continue with you.

This isn't failure. This is one of the most important moments in your relationship.

Because THE RECKONING forces you to face the end. Not necessarily the end of your relationship as a whole, but the end of patterns that are simply unsustainable and too painful to continue engaging in.

You can't keep doing what you've been doing. Something has to change.

You have to question your relationship before you deepen it. You have to risk losing it, in order to create something on purpose that’s truly meaningful and serves you both.

If you can't defend why partnership is good for you and why you want partnership with this particular person, of course it's going to dissolve. Love, shared interests, and attraction come and go.

Your relationship must have something deeper holding it together. Vision is the bonding glue of deeply meaningful and long lasting conscious partnerships. What are you creating together?

So if you're in THE RECKONING right now, questioning everything, good. That’s what’s required for real depth and intimacy.

How do I know if we're just going through a rough patch or if it's actually over?

THE RECKONING usually feels like the end. And in some ways, it is.

The question is: "What is this the end of?"

Is this the end of the relationship entirely? Or is this the end of the patterns, behaviours, and ways of thinking and relating that simply don't work anymore?

In this period of questioning, you're asking yourself:

• Is it worth it?

• Why am I in this?

• Do they really love me? Do I really love them?

• Is it really meant to be this hard?

• What do I really want?

• What are the bare minimum standards of respect we wish to create?

These questions can feel terrifying because they threaten your relationship. But they're also forcing you to get clear on something fundamental: If I choose to continue in this relationship, then why? What's the point of being in partnership anyways?

Most people have never actually answered this question. They drifted into relationship because it felt good, because they were lonely, because it was "the next step," because everyone else was doing it.

But when things get hard, those reasons aren't enough to keep you going.

You need to know what partnership is and why you want it. Not just with anyone, but with this person specifically.

And THE RECKONING is forcing you to figure that out.

The uncomfortable truth is, you might discover that you don't actually want partnership. Or that you want it, but not with this person. Or that you want it, but you're not willing to do what's required to create it.

You have to get really honest with yourself. There is no right or wrong answer here. Clarity only comes when you stop blaming them and start taking full responsibility for what you actually want to create.

What does it mean when I'm fantasizing about being single?

It's very easy in these hard moments to get so hurt and self-protective that you end up saying "relationships aren't worth it and I'm just going to stay single the rest of my life."

For many people, deep down, that's not what they actually want. But it's a position they feel like they're forced into.

When you've been hurt so many times, the effort and the risk of getting hurt again don't seem worth it. We end up projecting our past onto our future, "Men are all ______, or women are all ________", and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"Whether your think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford

When you're in THE RECKONING, being single can sound like relief. Like freedom. Like escape from all this pain.

But here's what's really happening: You're not actually fantasizing about being single forever. You're fantasizing about not being in pain anymore.

You're fantasizing about a version of yourself that isn't constantly triggered, hurt, disappointed, and exhausted. You're fantasizing about a magical person who it'll all be easy with.

That's normal. When we’re hurt, we all become self-absorbed. Everything feels impossible and we lose hope. We’re focused more on what we need or aren’t getting, more than what we can give. 

So here's a question to get you out of your ego: Sure they're difficult, but what about you? Have you truly put your in best effort? Have you turned yoru blame into responsibility?

If being single sounds good because:

• You won't be hurt anymore

• You won't have to face your own inadequacies

• You can avoid the hard conversations

• You can escape having to grow

• You won't have to be accountable to anyone

Then you're running from yourself, not from partnership.

Whatever patterns you're stuck in, whatever wounds are activated, whatever immaturity is showing up, it'll all come with you into the next relationship.

So you have to get really honest with yourself: Do I actually want to be single? Or do I just want this to stop hurting? Sure they could be better, but what about you?

Because if you actually want partnership, if you really, truly want it, then you have to be willing to face THE RECKONING. Not run from it, and the first step towards real maturity is always responsibility.

That means deeply looking at yourself, release all blame (which is victim-thinking anyways), and consciously choosing to create what you want. Instead of wasting energy complaining or criticizing them, your entire focus is on taking 100% responsibility for being the best partner you can be.

What is partnership actually supposed to be?

This is the question THE RECKONING forces you to answer.

Because most people don't actually know what partnership is. They know what dating is. They know what romance is. They know what attraction is.

But partnership? That's something else entirely.

Partnership is not:

• Someone to make you happy

• Someone to complete you

• Someone who never challenges you

• Someone who perfectly molds to your needs

• An escape from loneliness

• A way to avoid facing yourself

Partnership is:

• A companion on the journey of growth

• Someone who mirrors back where you have room to grow

• An environment for you to become your best self

• A crucible for transformation

• Someone to build something meaningful with

• A person who sees you fully and chooses you anyway

Eventually we learn that life is about creating and generating purpose and meaning. Life is about growing. Life is about sharing that growth experience and journey with other people.

And that's what partnership can offer us.

You have to decide: What type of partnership you want to create? If you want an incredible partner, are you willing to become one too? (Not your idea of an incredible partner, but learning what incredible means to you unique partner).

Do you want what your parents modelled? Do you want what society says you should have? Do you want the fantasy you've been sold, or to create something real?

This is where I invite you to read my article on covenant vs. contract marriage. Not because there's a "right" answer, but because it will help you clarify what YOU actually want.

Some people want contract partnership: "I'll stay as long as it works for me. If it stops serving me, I leave."

Some people want covenant partnership: "I'm here even when it's hard. I choose us. I choose to grow and learn instead of blame or criticize. I choose to learn how to be a real team."

Neither is inherently right or wrong. But you have to own what you want.

Because when you don't own what you want, you blame others for not giving it to you. When you haven't clarified what you want, you make your partner responsible for your dissatisfaction - you end up using them as an excuse for your unhappiness.

When you don't take full responsibility for creating what you want, you stay stuck in victimhood. THE RECKONING is your opportunity to get clear. To decide. To own it and create it , eyes wife open, on purpose.

So, what type of partnership do you want to create? Why do you want it? What are you willing to do to create it?

Take the time to reflect and answer these questions honestly.

Why do you want to be in a relationship anyway?

We've been fed this cultural belief that we're supposed to be perpetually happy. That happiness is somehow the purpose of life. If you get into a relationship with the unconscious fantasy that you're partner will be able to perfectly meet all of your needs, that delusion is bound to pop eventually.

So what if that fantasy popping is a natural part of your evolution as a couple? What if it's not the end, but the beginning of something new, deeper, and more real than anything you've been programmed to believe?

When your fantasy bubble pops, you're faced with your own flaws, delusions, imperfections, hypocrisies, biases, and blindspots, that we often project onto our partner through blame.

It's easier to blame them, than face our own inadequacies and humbling imperfections. But it' only in this vulnerable opening, in this honest self-reflection, that something real can be built.

When you ask yourself "why do I want partnership?" here are some of the deeper answers you might find:

I want partnership because:

• I want to experience a level of intimacy I can't have with friends or family

• I want to be seen, known, valued, loved, accepted, desired, and received fully

• I want someone who wants the best for me and is willing to grow to become a better environment for me

• I want to build something meaningful with someone

• I want to be challenged to become my best self

• I want to experience deep spiritual union

• I want a witness to my life

• I want to create a legacy, a family, a foundation for something bigger than myself

Can you feel it? That longing within you to be truly seen? To be known? To be valued? To be desired? To be received?

Intimate partnership is an opportunity for unparalleled depth of intimacy.

But you can't access that depth without vulnerability and humility. Without emotional nakedness. Without taking off all of your habitual, conditioned, automatic, unconscious reactivity and self-protection.

Most people want the intimacy and companionship, without the vulnerability.

They want to be seen without being exposed. They want to be loved without being known. They want connection without risk.

And that's why most relationships stay surface-level.

If you want something deep, you have to be willing to get naked. Not just physically, metaphysically, psychologically, and emotionally naked.

Only then can you experience the level of connection that your soul craves.

But here's the question THE RECKONING forces you to answer: Am I willing to do what's required to create that?

Because it's easy to say you want intimacy. It's harder to do the work to create it.

It's easy to say you want partnership. It's harder to face yourself in the mirror your partner holds up.

It's easy to say you want something deep. It's harder to stay when it gets painful.

THE RECKONING is asking you: Do you actually want this? And if so, what are you willing to do about it?

How do I know if this person is right for me?

When things get hard, your mind will tell you: "Maybe they're not the right person. Maybe I should find someone easier. Maybe there's someone out there who won't trigger me like this."

Here's the truth: You will have problems unique to your relationship with anyone.

The grass isn't greener. It's just different grass with different problems.

But before you can answer whether they're right for you, you have to ask a more important question: Am I showing up as someone worth being with?

Here's where THE RECKONING demands you look in the mirror:

Ask yourself:

• Have I been acting in ways I'm proud of, or have I been reactive, petty, cruel?

• Am I actually looking at myself and working to become better? Or am I waiting for them to change first?

• Have I been a good environment for them? Have I made it easier or harder for them to be their best?

• Have I loved them well? Have I respected them? Or have I been dismissive, contemptuous, withdrawn?

• Have I treated myself and my partner with the same level of love, empathy and respect?

• If the world was watching, would I be proud of how I've handled myself?

This isn't about shame or judgment. This is about honesty.

You're a hypocrite. So am I. So is everyone.

You have biases. You have blind spots. You haven't been your best self.

You haven't loved them or respected them in all the perfect ways. In the same way they haven't loved or respected you perfectly either.

And that's okay, this isn't about perfection.

We all have work to do. We're all difficult. We all contribute to making this impossible sometimes. You have to level the playing field. Otherwise you stay stuck in ego, under or over valuing your partner or yourself.

Here's what I learned in my own RECKONING:

When my partner and I broke up, we went to therapy individually for three months, each taking full responsibility for our part.

I had to look at myself. Really look.

How was I making this impossible? How had I been disrespectful? How had I contributed to my partner not giving me what I wanted? Do I really love her? Is it worth it to keep trying?

I had made it hard for her to be her best. I had been a poor environment for her. I was difficult. I was defensive. I was self-righteous. I judged her while expecting grace for myself.

That self-responsibility, that humility, that's where it begins. That's what shifts you out of blame.

I realized that breaking up, or trying to find someone else, I would actually be losing. I would be punishing myself because I would lose the person I actually wanted to be with deep down.

Not because she was perfect. But because I finally understood what I wanted to create and why I wanted to create it with her.

And more importantly, I understood what I needed to change in myself to make that possible.

That clarity changed everything.

So the question isn't "is this person right for me?" The question is: Am I willing to work on becoming a better partner, not just for them, but because I want to live in integrity with my best self?

If you can both answer yes, if you can both look in the mirror with honesty and humility, then you have something to build on.

You're going to embrace each other's imperfections. You're going to create minimum standards and agreements that you uphold each other to.

We both have work to do. We're both difficult. And that's okay.

That's where partnership begins.

What's Possible on the Other Side of THE RECKONING

All I can say is from my own experience: The reward on the other side is beyond words and it is priceless.

You can't pay for it. You can only choose to create it together.

It's what everyone wants. It can't be bought or given to you. You have to claim it and create it actively.

When you and your partner both undergo THE RECKONING, when you both get clear on what you want and commit to creating it, when you both take full responsibility for your part, you create something that most people will never experience.

Because real partnership requires an abolishing of all victim-thinking and blame that most people are not ready or willing to give up.

You create a depth of intimacy that goes beyond what you can imagine.

You create safety that allows a blossoming of each other's hearts and authentic selves that cannot be put into words. You just have to experience it yourself.

That's what's possible.

But you have to be willing to walk through the fire of THE RECKONING first.

You have to be willing to face yourself. To let go of who you've been. To let your ego die. To clarify what you actually want. To take full responsibility for creating it.

Are you willing to do what it takes to create what you actually want?

Next Steps: Getting the Help You Need

If you're in THE RECKONING right now and you need support navigating it, I can help.

At Caring for Couples, I work with couples (and individuals) who are at this exact crossroads. Who are questioning everything. Who need clarity on whether to stay or go and what to do next.

Here's how I can support you:

📖 Read: Should You Get Married? Understanding Covenant vs Contract Marriage - This article will help you clarify what you actually want in partnership (no right or wrong answers, just YOUR answer)

🎓 Learn: Repair Anything Course - Learn the specific skills to repair conflicts, restore connection, and create the intimacy you actually want

💬 Connect: Book Your Free 20-Minute Consult - Let's talk about where you are and whether my approach is right for you

THE RECKONING is one of the most painful, confusing and important moments you'll experience in your relationship.

You don't have to go through it alone.

Let me help you find clarity, develop the skills you need, and create the relationship you actually want. Because you deserve to know what you want. And you deserve to take full responsibility for creating it.