How Women Accidentally Start Fights With This Question

Ladies, I want to help you get more of what you’re asking for from your man.

Sometimes you’re trying to express a completely legitimate frustration with him, but the way you bring it up accidentally starts a fight.

So, learning to recognize this one question can help you avoid so many fights!

Here it is:

“Why did you do that?”

I call this a Losing Question.

Because even though it sounds like a question, most of the time it’s actually an accusation.

When you say, “Why did you do that?” you’re implying he shouldn’t have done it.

You’re not really curious about the real answer why. You’re actually communicating:

“I’m unhappy with what you did. You did something wrong. Now explain yourself.”

That’s what makes it a Losing Question. It sets him up to fail because there’s literally no right answer.

You’re expressing your displeasure through a rhetorical question and asking him to explain himself at the same time.

So, he explains himself, but you’re still not satisfied.

-> He says he forgot. That’s not good enough.

-> He tells you why he did it, and now you’re explaining why his reasoning was wrong.

Now, to be clear, you usually have a completely valid frustration.

Maybe he said he would do something and didn’t.

Maybe you’ve asked him ten times.

Maybe you feel like you’re carrying too much of the mental load.

Maybe something he did genuinely hurt you.

That absolutely needs to be communicated. Your partner needs to be able to hear your frustration, care about how something affected you and make space for what you need.

Asking, “Why did you do that?” just isn’t a very effective way of getting him there.

Because instead of clearly communicating what hurt you or what you’d like him to do differently, you’ve asked him to explain himself for something you’ve already decided he was wrong to do.

So here’s the relationship skill most partners need to work on:

-> Can you share what you’re displeased about and build your partner up in the same breath?

I want to reassure you: Your feelings matter. Your concerns matter. And your partner needs to learn how to hear them, validate them and make space for what’s important to you.

And…

How you bring those feelings to him is just as important as how he responds to them