Unconditional Love ≠ Unconditional Tolerance: Why Boundaries Are Required for Lasting Love

Why Do Two People Who Love Each Other Still Struggle?

Loving each other should be easy, right? What could go wrong?

Two people come together with genuine affection, good intentions, and a desire to build something beautiful. They care deeply. They want the best for each other. And yet, so many relationships still struggle, deteriorate, or end in bitter resentment.

Why is loving someone so hard?

Because we've mistaken love for tolerance. We've been taught that loving someone means enduring things that aren't okay. That being a "good partner" means putting up with behaviours, patterns, and dynamics that slowly erode our sense of self.

We've confused unconditional love with unconditional tolerance, and it's quietly destroying our relationships.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you should unconditionally accept everything someone does. That leaves you powerless in the relationship. You shouldn't put up with anything and everything just because you love someone.

You need to be able to influence each other in positive ways that benefit both of you and standards for how you treat each other. That's not conditional love, that's sustainable love.

The Brené Brown Principle: Why the Most Compassionate People Are the Most Boundaried

Researcher Brené Brown discovered something that contradicts everything we've been taught about love. In her studies on compassion, she found that:

"The most compassionate people I have interviewed... were absolutely the most boundaried."

This insight turns our understanding of love upside down. We've been taught that compassion means endless giving, that unconditional love means infinite tolerance, that care requires self-sacrifice.

But Brown's research reveals the opposite: boundaries don't prevent us from loving well, they resource us to love sustainably.

When you take care of yourself and include your needs in the relationship as equal to your partner's needs, you create the capacity to give and love without depleting yourself. You can show up fully present rather than resentful. You can be generous because you're not running on empty.

Boundaries aren't barriers to love. They're the infrastructure that keep us out of resentment and makes lasting love possible.

The Self-Sacrifice Myth: What We've Been Taught About Love

I see it constantly: self-identified "givers" who pride themselves on being accommodating, understanding, and endlessly flexible to the extent that they, as an individual, don’t exist.

We've been taught that love looks like:

• Self-sacrifice and putting others first always

• Self-betrayal and agreeing when you disagree

• Swallowing your feelings to keep the peace

• Saying "yes" when you mean "no"

• Being "in service" to others at your own expense

But this isn't love. This is toxic self-sacrifice disguised as devotion.

Self-sacrifice in relationships often comes from believing you must withhold your own wants and needs to earn the love, respect, or security you desire. You create an unspoken contract: "I'll put myself last and you first, and in exchange, you'll let me hold onto this relationship." This dysfunctional dynamic is based on performance and earning love.

Here's what actually happens when you chronically disconnect from yourself by overvaluing others' needs and undervaluing your own: You build resentment and create the very conditions that destroy love.

Why Self-Sacrifice Destroys Love: The Disconnection Problem

The root problem isn't sacrifice itself, it's the chronic disconnection that comes from constantly abandoning yourself.

When you perpetually ignore your own needs under the guise of "love" or "giving" or "being in service to others," you disconnect from yourself. You lose touch with what you feel, what you need, what matters to you.

This self-disconnection is what makes love unsustainable.

Think about it: How can you have an authentic relationship with someone when you're not even connected to your authentic self? How can you expect your partner to value your needs when you've taught them, through years of behavior, that your needs don't matter?

You can't pour from an empty cup. And you can't love well from a place of self-abandonment.

This is why people in "loving" relationships sometimes end up engaging in infidelity, explosive anger, or passive-aggressive behaviour:

It’s not that they don’t love their partner, they're acting from years of self-betrayal finally reaching a breaking point. They've been neglecting, ignoring, and betraying themselves for so long that it erupts in destructive ways.

The Resentment Cycle: When Tolerance Becomes Toxicity

In our attempt to be loving, we put up with what we're not okay with, and that very tolerance transforms us into people who can no longer love well.

No one can tolerate what they're not okay with forever. It's simply not sustainable.

The "loving" person who's been tolerating, accommodating, and self-sacrificing eventually reaches a breaking point. The resentment that's been building beneath the surface, sometimes for years, erupts. Suddenly they become cold, critical, withdrawn, or explosive.

The irony is devastating: The self-sacrifice that was supposed to preserve the relationship (withholding your truth to keep the peace) becomes the thing that poisons it.

When people feel they must sacrifice their boundaries to be liked, loved, or valued, resentment inevitably builds. That resentment doesn't just disappear. It accumulates, hardens, and eventually expresses itself, often in ways that damage the relationship far more than simply speaking up earlier would have.

Taking care of yourself and your relationship, requires short-term upset for long-term intimacy and sustainability.

This is why so many couples complain to me: "I don't feel valued or respected." "If they really loved me, they wouldn't treat me like this."

The love is actually still there. But without boundaries, without the ability to say "I'm not okay with this", mean it, and that lead to changed behaviour in service of the relationship, love deteriorates into resentment and disconnection.

Standing up to Each Other in Loving Power: The Alternative to Power Struggles

Most relationships get caught in exhausting power struggles. But these struggles aren't actually about the surface issues, they're about two people trying to assert boundaries while neither one truly listens, or “gets the message”.

When you can't get through to your partner about how their actions impact you, you will act out.

The acting out to maintain power looks like:

• Passive-aggressiveness

• Manipulation

• Name-calling and criticism

• Stonewalling

• Silent treatment

• Score-keeping

These aren't character flaws, they're reactive symptoms of a blocked feedback loop. When you can't directly communicate "This is hurting me" and be heard, you'll find indirect ways to express it.

You MUST be able to give and receive feedback about how your actions impact each other without letting defensiveness block it.

This is where most relationships get stuck. One person tries to share how they're affected. The other person gets defensive. Nothing changes. Resentment builds. The cycle repeats.

The Three Forms of Power in Relationships

Traditionally, we've been conditioned to gain power in one of two ways:

Power-Over (The Tyrant):

• Domination and control

• "Do as I say"

• Intimidation and aggression

• Making unilateral decisions

Power-Under (The Victim):

• Playing helpless to gain control

• Complaining to draw attention

• Passive manipulation

• Waiting to be rescued

Both create disconnection and resentment. Neither creates sustainable love.

The alternative is Power-With, and it requires boundaries:

Power-With means saying: "I love you. I'm in. I'm not leaving. And that's not working for me. Can we work on changing this dynamic together? What can I do to support you to change or give me what I need?"

This is standing up to each other in loving power. This is standing up for the relationship while staying in connection.

It requires:

• Courage to speak honestly about your needs

• Willingness to hear your partner's needs without defensiveness

• Commitment to finding solutions together

• Trust that the relationship can handle honesty

This is how you create lasting love, not by avoiding conflict, but by learning to stand together through it.

What Real, Sustainable Love Actually Looks Like

Sustainable love doesn't mean:

• Endless accommodation without resentment

• Tolerating what's not okay to keep the peace

• Sacrificing yourself to prove your devotion

• Losing yourself to gain a relationship

Real, sustainable love means:

1. "I love you, and I'm not okay with this" You can hold both truths simultaneously. Love doesn't require you to accept harmful behavior. Saying "This isn't working for me" IS an act of love, for yourself, for your partner, and for the relationship.

2. Including yourself in the equation Your needs matter as much as your partner's needs. Not more, not less. Equal. When you include yourself as worthy of care and consideration, you model what mutual respect looks like.

3. Resourcing yourself to show up fully Like the Brené Brown principle teaches: boundaries resource you. When you take care of yourself, set limits, and honor your needs, you create the capacity to be genuinely generous rather than resentfully depleted.

4. Creating space for honest feedback Both people must be able to say "When you do X, I feel Y" without the other person shutting down, getting defensive, or making it about themselves. Feedback is the lifeblood of conscious relationships.

5. Standing in Power-With You stand together, committed to the relationship, while also standing up for what you need. You're a team working on problems together, not adversaries fighting for control and power.

Why Boundaries Are Required for Lasting Love

The paradox of love is this: The more clearly you define yourself, the more deeply you can connect.

When you have strong boundaries, you:

• Know who you are and what you need

• Can communicate those needs clearly

• Don't expect your partner to read your mind

• Take responsibility for your own emotional well-being

• Show up authentically instead of performing

• Create space for your partner to be authentic too

Boundaries encourage autonomy, reduce codependent habits, set clear expectations, give you a sense of empowerment and self-respect, and ensure your physical and emotional comfort.

Without boundaries, relationships become enmeshed. You lose track of where you end and your partner begins. You can't tell whose feelings are whose. You take responsibility for their emotions and expect them to manage yours.

This isn't intimacy, it's fusion. And fusion eventually leads to suffocation.

Lasting love requires two distinct individuals choosing to be together, not two people merged into one anxious, resentful entity.

FAQ: Common Questions About Love and Boundaries

Q: If I set boundaries, am I being selfish? No. Boundaries allow you to resource yourself so you can love sustainably. Self-care isn't selfish, it's the foundation of being able to genuinely care for others.

Q: How do I know if I'm people-pleasing or just being kind? When you're genuinely kind, you're not motivated by getting anything in return. When you're people-pleasing, you need to control how others think of you, gain worth or identity, or maintain peace at all costs. Check your motivation.

Q: What if my partner sees my boundaries as rejection? Help them understand that boundaries aren't about pushing them away, they're about creating the conditions where you can stay connected sustainably. Boundaries aren’t what you do to people, in partnership you create agreements around your boundaries that include both of your needs and limits.

Q: Can I still love someone unconditionally if I have boundaries? Yes. Unconditional love means you love them no matter what. Boundaries mean you love yourself enough to have standards for how you're treated. Both can coexist.

Q: What creates power struggles in relationships? Power struggles happen when two people try to assert boundaries but neither person truly listens, so partners end up feeling powerless and helpless. The solution isn't to stop having boundaries, it's to learn to give and receive feedback without defensiveness blocking the communication.

Q: How do I move from resentment to healthy boundaries? Resentment is accumulated, unexpressed needs. Start by identifying what you're resentful about, that's data about unmet needs. Then practice making requests to get your needs met as soon as possible before resentment builds.

Learning to Love with Boundaries

Differentiating yourself with boundaries is the ability to be fully yourself while staying deeply connected to another person.

It's not easy. But it's the only path to sustainable love.

This is what I teach in my book Confident Boundaries.

Inside, you'll discover:

• How to identify and communicate your needs after years of ignoring them

• The language of Power-With so you can advocate for yourself without attacking

• How to give and receive feedback without defensiveness blocking connection

• The differentiation process that transforms conflict into growth

• Practical scripts for setting boundaries that strengthen (not threaten) love

Boundaries are optional. But if you want lasting love, they're required. 👉 Get Confident Boundaries on Amazon and learn how to love fully without losing yourself.

👉 Ready for deeper support? Book a free 20-minute consult to explore working together.

You deserve a relationship where you can breathe. Where you can be honest. Where you can have needs and voice them. Where love doesn't come at the expense of disconnecting from yourself.

Let's build that together.