Is There Hope for My Marriage After So Much Hurt?

Is There Hope for My Marriage?

If you're reading this, you might be asking yourself, "Is there hope for my marriage?" You might be standing at the doorway of your relationship, wondering whether to walk through it. Maybe you've been hurt so many times that your love feels buried under rage, grief and exhaustion. Maybe part of you has already given up, while another part still hopes, and you hate that part of you for hoping.

What follows is a poem, an art piece written from inside the hurt. It comes from my own experience of being deeply hurt in relationship, and from sitting with so many couples in this exact place and feeling the pain they carry. It isn't any one person's story. I wrote it to give a voice to what it actually feels like when you're this hurt: the blame, the hate, the longing, and the slow, uncomfortable realization that you've been hurting your partner too.

You might find yourself in it, and you might find your partner in it. I'd invite you to read it slowly and notice where it lands in your body.

Before you read: this poem is about the kind of mutual hurt that builds up between two people who have both been wounded, and both been wounding, often for years. It isn't about abuse. If you feel afraid of your partner, or there's physical violence, threats or control in your relationship, your safety comes first, and couples therapy isn't the right first step. If you're in immediate danger, call 911. In Ontario, the Assaulted Women's Helpline is available 24/7 at 1-866-863-0511 (416-863-0511 in Toronto), the Victim Support Line is at 1-888-579-2888, and you can call 211 to be connected with local counselling and support services for anyone.

The Poem: Is There Hope Left for Us?

I have been disrespected by you.

I have been wronged by you.

I have been hurt by you,

the very person,

who was supposed to love me.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

The rage,

and the hate,

and the fury,

and the hurt,

and the grief,

have squashed my love for you.

I have every reason to leave you.

I do not have to stay.

and yet here we are

standing at the doorway

wondering:

Is there any hope left?

I must be a fool to hope...

I trusted you,

but now I cannot trust you,

and I hate the little part of me,

that still wants to,

that wishes you’d turn towards me,

and actually listen.

I cannot trust you,

with my heart,

to know how it hurts,

to listen to me,

to understand me,

to let my soul breathe,

without squashing it down again,

to have you see,

just how much you hurt me.

You obviously don’t know,

because if you did,

you’d stop.

If you really loved me,

you’d stop…

you’d stop hurting me,

if you really loved me.

But it’s clear you don’t,

and so I’m giving up,

not because I want to,

but because I’m at my limit,

I’ve had enough,

I had enough long ago,

and now I’m far beyond my limit,

and I’m angry that I stayed this long.

I’m angry at you,

I’m angry at myself.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

But you are not all to blame.

I hurt you too.

And in my hurt,

I made your hurt,

matter less than mine.

I silenced,

and squashed,

and dismissed,

and neglected,

and invalidated,

and ignored,

and shut down,

and raged,

at your hurt.

The same way,

you did mine.

And so here we are,

standing in the wreckage,

that neither you nor I,

created more than the other.

And yet,

I want to blame it all on you,

It’s easier,

in my blame,

in my rage at you,

to not look at,

the terrible ways,

I’ve hurt you too.

To avoid feeling the deep shame,

and guilt,

and remorse,

of my own non-loving actions.

to level the playing field,

and make your hurt matter,

as much as mine.

For I too,

have not always acted,

with love and respect.

I have made you feel,

the very way,

you’ve made me feel.

Worthless.

Non-existent.

Disgusting.

Obliterated.

Lesser-than.

Erased.

Helpless.

Powerless.

Scared.

Terrified.

Sub-human.

Screaming became the only way,

to try and get through to you,

but even that failed.

I do not want to see,

that I’ve made you feel,

the very same way,

you’ve made me feel.

I’m angry at you,

and I have every right and reason,

to be angry.

I have every right and reason,

to leave.

And maybe you do too,

but me,

my reasons,

my hurt,

my anger,

is more important than yours.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

And that’s the problem,

isn’t it?

The self-importance,

the self-absorption,

the demands,

the complete lack of empathy,

that takes over,

when I’m as hurt as I am.

Because I’ve tried,

oh I’ve tried,

above and beyond,

I’ve tried…

and I’ve tried enough,

so much effort,

to get through to you,

that the largest parts of me,

have given up.

So now I’m as sad,

as I am angry.

I’m sad,

that we couldn’t make it work,

that you didn’t love me enough,

to make it work,

that you couldn’t find a way through to me,

that I couldn’t find a way through to you.

I’m sad,

and defeated,

and angry,

and confused,

at me,

at you,

at life.

Because I need you in my life,

and I hate that I need you.

I don’t want to need you.

I’m clearly better off without you.

I need you to see me,

I need you to hear me,

I need you to feel me.

I need you close to me,

I need you to be present with me,

I need you to understand me.

I need you in my life.

At the same time,

so much of me,

wants to push you away.

I push you away don’t I?

I need you to act like you care,

then you try,

and I push you away.

It’s never enough.

It’s never enough for me.

You’re never doing it right.

You’re incapable of doing it right.

And so,

You’ve lost before you’ve begun.

I set you up to fail,

then I blame you for failing me.

I make it impossible to connect with me.

I make it impossible for you to give me what I want.

I cut you off,

cut you down,

then blame you,

for failing to love me.

I hate that I let myself,

be hurt by you,

so much,

that I’m so angry,

and I can’t let it go.

I blame you,

even though it’s my fault too.

I hold everything against you,

and expect you to make amends.

You are locked in this image,

I have of you:

Disgusting.

Disrespectful.

Unloving.

Mean.

Insensitive.

Useless.

A failure.

I want you to be different,

and yet I won’t let myself see,

anything beyond that,

of you.

I’ve summed you up,

and moved on,

because you’ve proven to me,

who you are.

I cannot stay,

another minute,

and every minute that I do,

I hate you more,

I hate me more,

when I stay,

and put up with this.

Step up and love me!

But any step up towards me,

and I take you down,

and that’s my part.

I demand,

and complain,

and criticize,

and cut you down,

and expect you,

to step up.

Because I don’t know any other way,

and I’ve tried,

but you always just disappoint me.

So I’m tired of being disappointed,

by you.

But maybe,

I could give you,

one last chance,

well not just you,

but us…

Maybe I could give us,

one last chance.

If I’m honest with myself,

as much as I hate it,

I’m still hopeful,

because I do love you,

or I wouldn’t have stayed,

and put up with so much shit,

for so long.

It’s unfair that I put it all on you.

I make it hard for you to meet me,

don’t I?

Because I’m so hurt,

and my defences are so strong,

that I can’t bear,

opening again,

and you dropping me.

I can’t bear trusting you with my heart,

and have you not meet me,

again.

And I do that to you too,

don’t I?

I demand that you understand me,

hear me and see me,

and yet,

I don’t understand you either.

I don’t see you,

or hear you,

beyond this image I have of you:

Disgusting.

Disrespectful.

Unloving.

Mean.

Insensitive.

Useless.

A failure.

I have pigeon-holed you,

squashed you down,

into a small sliver,

of who you really are,

just like you did me.

And it hurts doesn’t it,

having no voice?

Could I make my pain,

not matter more than yours?

Could I make your pain,

matter as much as mine

long enough,

to actually empathize with you?

Could you make my pain,

matter as much as yours

long enough,

to actually empathize with me?

Could I embrace all of your humanity,

beyond the rigid images I have of you

beyond all of the ways you let me down?

Could you embrace all of my humanity,

without defending yourself,

as I share what hurts?

Can we listen,

maybe for the first time,

to the other,

to the hurt,

without hearing the accusation?

Because God knows,

we take everything personally.

What if,

we make this,

not about who’s fault it is,

but simply attend to the pain.

I see that I hurt you.

You see that you hurt me.

Could you try,

and come over here,

and join me in it?

Could you try,

and see what you haven’t seen yet?

Could you try,

not to make it better,

not to justify, or explain or excuse…

but to hold me in my pain?

And maybe,

I could do that for you.

Empathy:

I need you to know what it’s like to be me.

Because it’s not fun over here,

being in relationship with you.

And it’s not fun,

I know,

being in relationship with me.

I’m hard to be with.

You’re hard to be with.

But maybe,

just maybe,

we could learn to truly embrace each other.

I doubt it,

but maybe…

Because after all,

we both want the same thing:

Empathy.

I need you to see how you hurt me,

to truly understand,

from the inside out,

without saying, "I understand you",

because those words mean nothing...

Because I believe if you really do,

If you really understand me

and you see how you hurt me,

you’ll stop.

I need it to stop.

I need you to stop hurting me,

and I need to stop pleading with you,

screaming at you to understand me,

and to stop.

Maybe I could do that for you too,

because I’m no angel.

I hurt you too,

and I’m open to seeing,

how terrible it’s been for you,

to be with me too.

Maybe together,

we can make both of our pain matter,

and learn to hold each other in it.

Can a Relationship Be Saved When You've Both Hurt Each Other?

In my experience, there often is.

Look at what happens in the poem. The turn doesn't come when the other person finally changes. It comes when the speaker stops long enough to ask, could I make your pain matter as much as mine? Everything shifts at that point, because it becomes clear that both partners have been asking for the same thing all along. You both want empathy and you both deserve empathy, yet you resist it, because empathy is the hardest thing to offer when you're hurt.

When we're this hurt, we take everything personally. Our partner's attempt to share their pain sounds like an accusation, so we defend, explain and justify, and they feel dropped all over again. What's needed isn't working out whose fault it is, but simply attending to the pain.

That's what repair is: the process of bonding over what hurts. I teach couples how to make a mutual exchange of a very specific kind of empathy, through a process that helps emotional wounds heal. When you learn it, the very conflict, hurt and resentment that pushed you apart can become what you use to grow closer.

I've worked with couples carrying infidelity, extreme hurt and resentment, and decades of disconnection, and I've seen that even long-held pain can be released when partners finally feel understood. Saying "I understand" isn't what does it, because those words can mean nothing. What lets the pain dissolve is demonstrating that you understand, from the inside out.

What Does It Take to Rebuild a Relationship After Years of Hurt?

1. Being willing to connect your actions to your partner's pain, without making yourself bad or wrong.

2. Being willing to share the impact of your partner's actions on you, without making them bad or wrong.

3. Being humble enough to see it's not all their fault, and that you've had a hand in creating much of what you say you don't want.

4. Being honest with yourself. Where do you have room to grow? How are you making things harder, or impossible? How are you punishing them?

5. Recognizing that in most relationships, both partners have hurt each other in different ways, and neither person's pain matters more or less.

6. Being humble enough to offer your partner the very thing you want: love, respect, empathy and understanding. That means being willing to go first, not holding everything against them, and leading rather than waiting for them.

7. Being willing to be hurt again. You can't connect and communicate through walls of self-protection, so at some point you have to lay your sword and shield at your partner's feet and be vulnerable.

Getting Support

If you're standing at that doorway right now, wondering whether there's any hope left, you don't have to figure it out alone.

Want support with this in your relationship? Reach out to work with me.