Should I Stay or Should I Go? When Your Relationship Feels This Hard
Updated: 2 hours ago
If you're reading this, you're likely in a confusing and painful place. You're exhausted. You're wondering, "Is it supposed to be this hard? Should I stay or should I go?" Some days you're so hurt that you're losing hope, and the reasons to leave seem to outnumber the reasons to stay.
I know that place personally. My partner and I broke up once, and I spent months trying to get over her while feeling stuck on how much I loved her. What I learned there, and what I see with couples at this exact crossroads, is that this moment of questioning can be one of the most important moments in your relationship. I call it the reckoning.
In this article, I'll walk through what the reckoning is, how to tell a rough patch from the end, what it means when being single starts to sound like relief, when leaving might be the right answer, and what it can take to build intimacy that lasts for life.
A note before you read: this article is written for relationships that are hard but safe. If you're experiencing abuse, or you're afraid of your partner, the ideas here about taking full responsibility don't apply in the same way, and your safety comes first. If you're in immediate danger, call 911. I've listed other places to turn for support when you don't feel safe at the start of another article.
Is It Normal to Question My Relationship When Things Get Hard?
Yes. Questioning your relationship when things get hard is very normal, and it can actually be healthy. It's often a sign that the old ways of relating have stopped working and something needs to change.
You might be thinking, "If this was right, if they really loved me, it wouldn't be this hard."
That thought is understandable, and it's also incomplete. A moment of questioning can be the beginning of something new rather than proof that you chose wrong. You have to question your relationship before you can deepen it. You have to risk losing it in order to create something on purpose that's truly meaningful and serves you both.
So if you're in the reckoning right now, questioning everything, good. That's often what's required for real depth and intimacy.
What Is the Reckoning in a Relationship?
The reckoning is a period of time when things are not going well. Things seem impossible. Each of you is behaving in ways that make it impossible for the other person to continue with you.
The reckoning forces you to face the end. Not necessarily the end of your relationship as a whole, but the end of patterns that are simply unsustainable and too painful to keep engaging in. You can't keep doing what you've been doing. Something has to change.
If you can't explain why partnership is good for you, and why you want partnership with this particular person, of course it's going to dissolve. Love, shared interests and attraction come and go. On their own, they're rarely enough to sustain a long-term relationship.
Your relationship needs something deeper holding it together. Vision is the bonding glue of deeply meaningful, long-lasting conscious partnerships. What are you creating together?
How Do I Know If We're Just Going Through a Rough Patch or If It's Actually Over?
The reckoning usually feels like the end, and in some ways it is. The real question is: what is this the end of? Is it the end of the relationship entirely, or the end of the patterns, behaviours and ways of relating that simply don't work anymore?
In this period of questioning, you're asking yourself:
Is it worth it?
Why am I in this?
Do they really love me? Do I really love them?
Is it really meant to be this hard?
What do I really want?
What are the bare minimum standards of respect we want to create?
These questions can feel terrifying because they threaten your relationship. They're also forcing you to get clear on something fundamental: if I choose to continue in this relationship, then why? What's the point of being in partnership anyway?
Many people have never actually answered this question. They drifted into a relationship because it felt good, because they were lonely, because it was "the next step," because everyone else was doing it. When things get hard, those reasons usually aren't enough to keep you going.
You need to know what partnership is and why you want it, with this person specifically. The reckoning is forcing you to figure that out.
You might discover that you don't actually want partnership. Or that you want it, but not with this person. Or that you want it, but you're not willing to do what's required to create it.
You have to get really honest with yourself. There's no right or wrong answer here. Clarity tends to come when you stop blaming them and start taking full responsibility for what you actually want to create.
What Does It Mean When I'm Fantasizing About Being Single?
It's very easy in these hard moments to get so hurt and self-protective that you end up saying, "Relationships aren't worth it, and I'm just going to stay single for the rest of my life."
For many people, deep down, that's not what they actually want. It's a position they feel forced into.
When you've been hurt so many times, the effort and the risk of getting hurt again don't seem worth it. We end up projecting our past onto our future, "Men are all ______," or "Women are all ______," and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford
When you're in the reckoning, being single can sound like relief. Like freedom. Like an escape from all this pain.
Very often, what you're really fantasizing about is not being in pain anymore. You're fantasizing about a version of yourself that isn't constantly triggered, hurt, disappointed and exhausted. You're fantasizing about a magical person it'll all be easy with.
That's normal. When we're hurt, we all become self-absorbed. Everything feels impossible and we lose hope. We focus more on what we need or aren't getting than on what we can give.
So ask yourself a question that can help you out of your ego: sure, they're difficult, but what about you? Have you truly put in your full effort? Have you turned your blame into responsibility?
If being single sounds good because:
You won't be hurt anymore
You won't have to face your own inadequacies
You can avoid the hard conversations
You can escape having to grow
You won't have to be accountable to anyone
then what you might really be running from is yourself.
Whatever patterns you're stuck in, whatever wounds are activated, whatever immaturity is showing up, it'll all come with you into the next relationship.
So get really honest with yourself. Do I actually want to be single? Or do I just want this to stop hurting? Sure, they could be better, but what about me?
If you really, truly want partnership, then you have to be willing to face the reckoning instead of running from it, and the first step towards real maturity is always responsibility. That means looking deeply at yourself, releasing blame (which is victim-thinking anyway), and consciously choosing to create what you want. Instead of spending your energy complaining about or criticizing them, your focus goes to taking 100% responsibility for your part and for the partner you're being.
What Is Partnership Actually Supposed to Be?
This is the question the reckoning forces you to answer.
Many people don't actually know what partnership is. They know what dating is. They know what romance is. They know what attraction is. Partnership is something else entirely.
Partnership is not:
Someone to make you happy
Someone to complete you
Someone who never challenges you
Someone who perfectly molds to your needs
An escape from loneliness
A way to avoid facing yourself
Partnership is:
A companion on the journey of growth
Someone who mirrors back where you have room to grow
An environment where you can grow into more of who you are
A crucible for transformation
Someone to build something meaningful with
A person who sees you fully and chooses you anyway
I've come to think of a relationship as a developmental alliance, two people who agree to grow together. That growth orientation is, I think, a really good way to understand what a relationship requires of us, at least if we want to maintain intimacy for life.
Eventually we learn that life is about creating purpose and meaning. Life is about growing, and about sharing that journey of growth with other people. That's what partnership can offer us.
So you have to decide what type of partnership you want to create. If you want an incredible partner, are you willing to become one too? Not your idea of an incredible partner, but learning what incredible means to your unique partner. You might start by asking whether you've been an environment where your partner can thrive.
Do you want what your parents modelled? Do you want what society says you should have? Do you want the fantasy you've been sold, or do you want to create something real?
This is where I invite you to read my article on covenant vs. contract marriage. There isn't a "right" answer, and it may help you clarify what you actually want.
Some people want contract partnership: "I'll stay as long as it works for me. If it stops serving me, I leave."
Some people want covenant partnership: "I'm here even when it's hard. I choose us. I choose to grow and learn instead of blaming or criticizing. I choose to learn how to be a real team."
Neither is inherently right or wrong, but you have to own what you want.
When you don't own what you want, you blame others for not giving it to you. When you haven't clarified what you want, you make your partner responsible for your dissatisfaction, and you end up using them as an excuse for your unhappiness.
When you don't take full responsibility for creating what you want, you stay stuck in victimhood. The reckoning is your opportunity to get clear. To decide. To own it and create it, eyes wide open, on purpose.
So what type of partnership do you want to create? Why do you want it? What are you willing to do to create it?
Why Do You Want to Be in a Relationship Anyway?
We've been fed a cultural belief that we're supposed to be perpetually happy, that happiness is somehow the purpose of life. If you get into a relationship with the unconscious fantasy that your partner will be able to perfectly meet all of your needs, that fantasy is bound to pop eventually.
So what if that fantasy popping is a natural part of your evolution as a couple? What if it's the beginning of something new, deeper and more real than anything you've been programmed to believe?
When your fantasy bubble pops, you're faced with your own flaws, delusions, imperfections, hypocrisies, biases and blind spots, the very things we often project onto our partner through blame.
It's easier to blame them than to face our own inadequacies and humbling imperfections. It's only in this vulnerable opening, in this honest self-reflection, that something real can be built.
When you ask yourself "Why do I want partnership?", here are some of the deeper answers you might find. I want partnership because:
I want to experience a level of intimacy I can't have with friends or family
I want to be seen, known, valued, loved, accepted, desired and received fully
I want someone who wants good things for me and is willing to grow to become a better environment for me
I want to build something meaningful with someone
I want to be challenged to grow into more of who I can be
I want to experience deep spiritual union
I want a witness to my life
I want to create a legacy, a family, a foundation for something bigger than myself
Can you feel it? That longing within you to be truly seen? To be known? To be valued? To be desired? To be received?
Intimate partnership is an opportunity for an extraordinary depth of intimacy. You can't access that depth without vulnerability and humility, without emotional nakedness, without taking off all of your habitual, conditioned, automatic, unconscious reactivity and self-protection.
Many people want the intimacy and companionship without the vulnerability. They want to be seen without being exposed. They want to be loved without being known. They want connection without risk. That's a big part of why so many relationships stay surface-level.
If you want something deep, you have to be willing to get naked, physically, and also psychologically and emotionally. That's when the level of connection your soul craves becomes possible. I write more about emotional nakedness and desire in my article on sex and intimacy in couples therapy.
The question the reckoning forces you to answer is this: am I willing to do what's required to create that?
It's easy to say you want intimacy. It's harder to do the work to create it.
It's easy to say you want partnership. It's harder to face yourself in the mirror your partner holds up.
It's easy to say you want something deep. It's harder to stay when it gets painful.
The reckoning is asking you: do you actually want this? If so, what are you willing to do about it?
What Does It Take to Maintain Intimacy for Life?
It takes growing up together. That means defining what you want, making sure your priorities actually align, and both of you committing to the long process of learning how to move as one.
Do you want to maintain that feeling of close connection you had at the beginning of the relationship? I believe it's possible. Many people aren't willing to put in the work it takes, though.
It's a bit like money. If you want ten million dollars, you can go after it, but are you willing to do what it would take to create that outcome? There's a series of necessary steps, a process you'd have to engage in to create any outcome. That's why defining what you want is so important in partnership.
Learning to be in partnership is like learning to dance when you've never danced before. Or like learning a whole new genre of dance when you've done bachata all your life and now you're trying to learn swing. Or picking up an entirely different instrument or sport, and then having to learn to do it in tandem with another person.
That's why I like the metaphor of a three-legged race. You're learning how to move together, how to think together, how to move as one. How to row the same boat, run the same race, play the same game, when each of you brings all of your history from before the relationship: intergenerational trauma, conditioning around what love really means, and different expectations.
Of course all of those assumptions and implicit expectations show up and collide. Then you have to get on the same page and try to create something together, and that's what the work is, learning how to be with each other's actual needs, beyond your idea of being lovers.
That's why I think partnership is the ultimate personal growth journey. If you want to learn what a human being is, and what love really is, enter partnership. Get married.
How Do I Know If This Person Is Right for Me?
Before you can answer whether they're right for you, it helps to ask a more important question: am I showing up as someone worth being with?
When things get hard, your mind will tell you, "Maybe they're not the right person. Maybe I should find someone easier. Maybe there's someone out there who won't trigger me like this."
You will have problems unique to your relationship with anyone. The grass isn't greener. It's just different grass with different problems.
A lot of partners think they're not compatible when they actually are. They just don't know how to handle conflict. They don't know how to heal their childhood wounds, they become too rigid, and they label the other person a red flag while missing their own red flags.
This is where the reckoning demands you look in the mirror. Ask yourself:
Have I been acting in ways I'm proud of, or have I been reactive, petty or cruel?
Am I actually looking at myself and working to become better? Or am I waiting for them to change first?
Have I been a good environment for them? Have I made it easier or harder for them to be at their best?
Have I loved them well? Have I respected them? Or have I been dismissive, contemptuous or withdrawn?
Have I treated myself and my partner with the same level of love, empathy and respect?
If the world was watching, would I be proud of how I've handled myself?
This is about honesty, without shame or judgment.
You're a hypocrite. So am I. So is everyone.
You have biases. You have blind spots. You haven't always shown up as the partner you want to be. You haven't loved them or respected them in all the perfect ways, in the same way they haven't loved or respected you perfectly either. That's okay. This isn't about perfection.
I find it really important to look yourself in the mirror every day and remind yourself that you're no prize either. We all have work to do. We're all difficult. We all contribute to making this impossible sometimes.
You have to level the playing field. Otherwise we end up operating from a one-up or one-down position, under- or over-valuing our partner or ourselves, instead of relating to our partner as an equal. You really need to humble yourself.
What I Learned in My Own Reckoning
When my partner and I broke up, we each went to individual therapy. I spent three months grappling with my individual therapist, trying to sort out how I actually felt about her. I had no idea she would one day be my wife. I was trying to get over her while feeling stuck on how much I loved her, and I couldn't sort it out.
I had to look at myself. Really look.
How was I making this impossible? How had I been disrespectful? How had I contributed to my partner not giving me what I wanted? Do I really love her? Is it worth it to keep trying?
I had made it hard for her to be her best. I had been a poor environment for her. I was difficult. I was defensive. I was self-righteous. I judged her while expecting grace for myself.
I had to work through all of my blame. I had to learn what real acceptance was. I had to learn what I needed, and what clearly didn't work for me. In the process, I realized how much I loved her, in a way I hadn't realized when I was with her.
That self-responsibility, that humility, is where it begins. That's what shifts you out of blame.
I realized that by breaking up, or trying to find someone else, I would actually be losing. I'd be punishing myself, because I'd lose the person I actually wanted to be with deep down. She wasn't perfect. I finally understood what I wanted to create and why I wanted to create it with her, and more importantly, I understood what I needed to change in myself to make that possible.
That clarity changed everything.
It still wasn't easy when we got back together. We still had so much growing up to do in the relationship. We realized we were compatible on so many levels, and we had to learn not only how to work out conflict, but how to set precedents in our relationship that would serve us moving forward.
The biggest thing I want you to understand is this: we had to grow up a lot. We had to mature. We had to face ourselves. We had to become receptive to each other's feedback, to really take it in instead of arguing against it, and to understand the seriousness of the boundaries we were overstepping and the requests our partner was making. We had to learn what acceptance was, and what a real human being is, with all their flaws and imperfections. We had to learn to actually take each other in. We had to learn how to dance together.
So the question isn't only "Is this person right for me?" The question is: am I willing to work on becoming a better partner, not just for them, but because I want to live in integrity with who I want to be?
If you can both answer yes, if you can both look in the mirror with honesty and humility, then you have something to build on.
You learn to embrace each other's imperfections. You create minimum standards and agreements that you hold each other to.
We both have work to do. We're both difficult. That's okay. That's where partnership begins.
Should I Stay or Should I Go? When Leaving Might Be the Right Answer
Leaving may be the right answer when both of you are not committed to growth, or when you're not on the same page about why you want to be together and where you're headed. There's no hard and fast line, and there's a lot of grey area.
If your partnership is like a boat you're travelling in together, then where is that boat going? What's point B? What's the purpose of your relationship? You need to understand the reason it makes sense for you to participate and grow in this relation"ship." If you discover you're not on the same page about why you want to be together and where you're headed, that can be a good reason to leave.
Commitment to growth shows up in what we do, not only in what we say. You have to be able to take it in when your partner gives you hard feedback and they're actually right. If the same thing keeps happening again and again, and you don't see effort, that might be an indication that it's time to leave. If you're stuck there, you may recognize the pattern I describe in why couples keep having the same fight over and over again.
A lot of people feel they need to put in the work before they can justify leaving. They need to feel at peace that they've tried everything they can, and that's true for many people. In that case, I'd say go to therapy and get the support you need. If your partner doesn't want to join you in growing that way, you can't force them.
Terry Real asks a great question: are you getting enough in your relationship to make grieving what you're not getting okay? That's a tough question to ask yourself on a really hard day. It reminds us to focus on what we're grateful for, and then to level the playing field and say, "Well, I'm not perfect either."
It's tough when you love someone. You don't want to cut them off. You don't want to give an ultimatum. Sometimes, though, you have to.
What If One of Us Wants to Leave and the Other Wants to Stay?
This is very common, and couples therapy can be a good place to explore it. I work with couples in this position frequently. The goal is to explore, with curiosity, whether you could grow through this together, without any guarantee that you'll stay together.
We open up the discussion to explore your vision and your purpose. What hurts are making one of you want to leave? Can those be addressed in the relationship? Is there a fundamental issue of compatibility, or not?
The frame of this kind of therapy is that there's no guarantee of staying together. The therapy isn't driven by that outcome. We engage in a process with curiosity to discover whether you could grow through this together, and it's okay if not.
Usually one partner wants to leave because they don't think they can get what they need in the relationship, or because they're so hurt that they feel forced to leave. No one really wants to leave. Leaving is an extremely hard decision, especially when you're married, when you have a house and kids together, when you'd have to get divorced, and when you still love the person. Many people who want to leave feel forced to leave, and that's a big difference.
Should We Go to Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy?
I'm a big proponent of individual therapy alongside couples therapy. Each has its limits, and they tend to work well together.
Taking full responsibility for working on yourself is an amazing foundation for growing as a couple and resolving conflict. When you focus 100% on becoming the partner, parent and lover you want to be, taking responsibility for your part, working through where your blame is actually coming from, and finding your own developmental growth edge, everything in the relationship has more room to shift.
At the same time, individual therapy has its limits, as does couples therapy. Some things move faster in individual therapy, and some move faster in couples therapy.
You can do all the individual therapy you want, but ultimately you have to grow within the relationship. Your partner will trigger you in profound ways, and you'll need to work on your relational dynamic within the system your partnership creates. In individual therapy, your therapist doesn't get to hear the other side of the story, so it can sometimes end up validating one person without understanding how you co-contribute to each other's reactivity. That can make the other partner sound like the problem, which doesn't help the partnership.
Couples therapy lets you see the whole system: how your reactivity and your partner's feed each other. If one of you tends to argue against feedback instead of taking it in, you may also relate to why your partner gets so defensive when you try to talk about your problems.
What's Possible on the Other Side of the Reckoning?
All I can say is from my own experience: the reward on the other side has been beyond words for me.
You can't pay for it. You can only choose to create it together. It can't be bought or given to you. You have to claim it and actively create it.
When you and your partner both go through the reckoning, when you both get clear on what you want and commit to creating it, when you both take full responsibility for your part, something rare becomes possible. Real partnership asks you to give up victim-thinking and blame, and that's a lot to give up.
What becomes possible is a depth of intimacy beyond what you can imagine right now, and a kind of safety that lets each other's hearts and authentic selves blossom in ways that are hard to put into words. You have to experience it yourself.
To get there, you have to be willing to walk through the fire of the reckoning first. You have to be willing to face yourself, to let go of who you've been, to let your ego die, to clarify what you actually want, and to take full responsibility for creating it.
Are you willing to do what it takes to create what you actually want?
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to want to leave when a relationship gets hard?
Yes. When you're hurt and exhausted, leaving or being single can start to sound like relief. Very often what you really want is for the pain to stop. That moment of questioning can be the start of getting clear on what you want and whether you're both willing to grow.
How do I know if it's time to leave my relationship?
There's no hard and fast line. Leaving may be the right answer when you're not on the same page about why you're together and where you're headed, or when one or both of you isn't committed to growth, shown in actions over time rather than words. Abuse or feeling unsafe is a different situation, and your safety comes first.
Can couples therapy help if one partner wants to leave?
It can help you explore it. In this situation, couples therapy offers a space to look at your vision, your hurts and your compatibility with curiosity, and to discover whether you could grow through this together. There's no guarantee of staying together, and it's okay if not.
Should I go to individual therapy or couples therapy?
Often both. Individual therapy helps you take responsibility for your part and find your own growth edge. Couples therapy helps you understand the system you create together and how you co-contribute to each other's reactivity, which is hard to see when only one side of the story is in the room.
What is the reckoning in a relationship?
The reckoning is a period when things feel impossible and you start questioning everything. It forces you to face the end of patterns that aren't working and to get clear on what partnership is, why you want it, and whether you want it with this person.
You Don't Have to Go Through It Alone
The reckoning can be one of the most painful, confusing and important moments you'll experience in your relationship. I work with couples, and individuals, who are at this exact crossroads, questioning everything and needing clarity on whether to stay or go and what to do next.
You deserve to know what you want, and you deserve support in taking full responsibility for creating it.
Want support with this in your relationship? Reach out to work with me.
