Does emotional intimacy come before physical intimacy?

Very often, yes. When you feel emotionally close, you naturally want to express that closeness physically. When hurt and resentment are in the way, desire tends to shut down, which I explore in my article on sex and intimacy in couples therapy.

Can a relationship recover from infidelity?

Many couples do repair after infidelity, though there are no guarantees. In my experience, it tends to become possible when the partner who was unfaithful can truly understand how they contributed to their partner's pain, without collapsing into making themselves a terrible person, and both partners are committed to growing. If you're wondering whether your relationship can come back from deep hurt, my article on whether there's hope for your marriage may help.

Why isn't better communication enough?

You can't communicate what you're not aware of. Better communication skills are like upgrades to an old car, and lifelong intimacy is more like going to the moon. Getting there usually takes new beliefs, new insights and new experiences, along with learning to de-escalate conflict, repair past hurt and negotiate win-win agreements. When couples only work on communication, they often end up having the same fight over and over again.

What does it mean to be allies in each other's transformation?

It means you come to partnership to grow, and you support each other's growth instead of fighting it. You learn to hold acceptance and growth at the same time, for yourself and your partner, and you keep returning to each other again and again. I write more about balancing acceptance and growth in my article on unconditional love and boundaries in a relationship. Want support with this in your relationship? Reach out to work with me.

What Is Intimacy in a Relationship? A Love Letter to Couples

Q: What is intimacy in a relationship?

Intimacy in a relationship is the experience of feeling close and connected with nothing in the way. To me, it's the opposite of self-protection, the absence of offence and defence, and it's free of masks like proving, perfecting, performing and pleasing. Researchers describe a similar idea: intimacy grows when you feel understood, validated and cared for by your partner (Reis, Clark & Holmes, 2004).

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